How Are You?

This past week, I was reacquainted with the incredible power just a few words can make on someone's day. In my case, those particular words were, "How are you really?" I've always known the impact that question has. I experienced it first-hand. But it's interesting to be on the other side and really see every detail it takes to get there.

I was at a tournament, sitting on the floor, waiting for my turn to speak. My friend was with me and we were mindlessly chatting. I didn't take long for me to recognize that something was definitely going on in my friend's mind, and it wasn't pretty. Thus, I asked, "How are you?" I got an absentminded, drawn out, "I'm fiiiine" in response. Perhaps I'm the only one, but when answering "how are you?" someone's tone of voice and non-verbal responses tell me so much more truth about what they're thinking and feeling. This circumstance was no exception because I immediately knew my friend was lying. I paused, looked him in the eye, and said, "Okay. So how are you really?" His response was about ten minutes long.

This became a common occurrence throughout the week.
"How are you?"
"Fine."
"Really?"
"...no."

And I think I've figured out the reason why.

"How are you?" is a kneejerk question that we all ask. It's a conversation starter or filler. It takes away an awkward silence. It makes us look why we care. But we all know that. So "fine" is the immediate response. Why tell the truth or elaborate when the asker really doesn't care?

But when we listen to more than just words and pursue the question, we can bring truths out of a broken person that we never could have guessed. The question, "How are you really?" implies genuine concern, interest, and trustworthiness. And sometimes, I am amazed by the fountain of words, tears, and sighs waiting to flow out when someone understands that I truly do care.

I've always found it fascinating how quick people are to cover up whatever is going on inside. It's like they don't even think about what their response will be to a question on how they're doing because the word "fine" is right on the tip of their tongue. We're so closed off to each other. We all put up this wall of smiles that blocks out the sadness, depression, and imperfections. But the wall only makes the situation worse.

How long can someone honestly keep every thought and feeling bottled up inside before they simply burst in the overwhelming fullness of it all? I'll be the first to admit to you--not very long. And it frustrates me because when I ask someone how they're doing, I want the truth, not a canned response. Just as they don't trust me when I ask them, I can't trust anyone else when they tell me how they're doing. Of course, I do the same thing, so I certainly can't blame or question anyone for keeping themselves locked up. But isn't it ridiculous of us?

Sure, there are the people that truly don't care and the people who simply don't understand. But if we never open up, we'll never know that some people want to know, want to help, and do have the ability to understand. And life is so much better when you have someone to talk to instead of swallowing your heart and mind and painting on a smile.

Unfortunately, most of the world already has a preconceived notion of having to do just that. We are our only cure. It is strange how we all suffer from the same problem, and we all know what we want and need, yet none of us really act on it. We end up becoming our own worst enemies. There's no possible way to cure the world overnight. Some people need a lot more digging than the pursuance of that one golden question. Others actually will spill when originally asked. Everyone's different and there's no single prescription for a world full broken souls and aching hearts.

The number one step to take is getting the voices out. Not all the voices will be customary in the sense that one true word leads to another. Some voices will be spoken with facial expressions, tones of voice, postures, styles, steps, and vocabulary. The trick is to listen to everything and get the honest voices to speak up. It's amazing what someone will say when they know the listener has not just their ears, but their mind and heart open.

Making a difference in just one person's life can make an impact on many others. And if not...the relief just one person feels when they finally get to spill out the story that's been building and growing and hiding from the world is enough to merit an hour long rant.

This week taught me how to listen to all of the voices--and when they're still quiet, to make them scream.

You deserve to be heard.