Without Fail

I think 99% of people who have ever tried to pray to God, Christian or not, have felt as if He isn't listening. They beg for something that they think will enhance their lives, don't see it right away, and immediately assume that God just doesn't care about them and their requests. I know I've felt this way. Especially when I ask God to help me a sin I'm battling, and it feels just as hard to overcome after the prayer as it did before. It's so easy and in our nature to assume that this means He just isn't paying attention to us. But the reason we're not seeing the returns of our prayers is because we're not listening for the right thing. If we pray for help finding a job and don't get a phone call saying we've landed one within the next week, we assume that He doesn't care. The thing is, God's will works far beyond what any of us can imagine, and sometimes, He answers our prayers in ways that are unexpected, yet far greater than any of the askers could imagine.

Now, we all hear about God's sense of humor, and sometimes use it as away to excuse our feelings of frustration towards Him. But throughout my life, I've come to realize that He really does have one--and absolutely loves to play with me. I had just come to the conclusion stated above: that God always listens and always answers our prayers, whether or not in the way we expect Him to. Thus, I wasn't expecting much when I called out to Him about six weeks ago.

It was mid-May and I was sitting in church. We were near the middle of the service and private prayers of confession began. I closed my eyes and my heart burst. I didn't even know what to pray, I was so overwhelmed. With trying to finish school, trying to prepare for nationals, trying to take care of friends and family, trying emotionally ready myself for upcoming struggles, and suddenly being faced with rough burst of fear and confusion--I was lost. I finally collected my thoughts and feelings just enough to say, "I don't know what I'm doing, God. I don't know how to change. All I know is that I need you. Please stay close." It was all I had time for before the prayer ended, and I quickly came to realize that it was all I needed.

My mood had one of the most radical upturns I've ever experienced over the next few days. To put it simply, God answered my prayer more quickly, bountifully, and precisely than He ever has before.

Life didn't get easier. It still hasn't gotten easier. It grows increasingly difficult all the time, and I've had to experience more and more pain recently than I have in a long time. Yet there is such a clear difference between how I feel, think, and act now, and how I felt, thought, and acted last time I was going through major struggles.

The next week had come with a smackdown as I finished off school and set into intensive nationals prep. I was ready. I was pumped. I was determined. And for once, I was going to put every ounce of energy I had into this tournament so I could achieve something. But I got sick on Friday [which happened to be the day after my birthday]--four days before the tournament, and one of two days I had to work with my partner. I spent the entire day in bed, weak and very not prosperous. Cue stress. I spent the next day in bed again, trying to write a debate brief as I recovered--still attempting to get food down my throat. Cue exhaustion. And the next day, I learned that my partner [sorry, Jordan] hadn't done any debate work over the past few days. Cue frustration.

Our lack of work paid off. As in, we sucked at the tournament. Big time. Like, "worst-record-I've-ever-received-maybe-I-should-just-quit-now-before-I-humiliate-myself" suckage. And I sat on a ledge that Friday afternoon, waiting to give a speech [which I was blessed enough to advance in], and could only smile because...I couldn't seem to care. Yes, it was a disappointment. It was a frustration to put so much work in and not even break. It was humiliating and discouraging. But I pulled out my iPod and looked at my last played song to find "I Still Believe" by Jeremy camp. I still believe in your faithfulness. I didn't even have to listen to it to remember those words, and I smiled to myself [undoubtedly creeping out anyone who happened to look at me] because, for the first time of my life, I really felt it. I didn't need to advance to be content. I was content with the knowledge that God was working, even if I couldn't see it, and His promise to be faithful hadn't failed.

That deep belief and understanding has not left me since. Last month, I spent a week at camp, and it was not what I expected. The lectures were flawless--even better than last year's--but the social life was horrible. Part of it was the fact that I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts and couldn't get away from people. But I was frustrated, moody, and upset--and to my shame, made this much clearer than I should have. But every morning, when we would have quiet time, I would find another verse [or more] that dove straight into my heart and was like a clear-as-day message from God that said, "I haven't left you yet, and I'm not going to."

On Tuesday morning, I found Revelation 7:9-17, and wrote in my journal about how beautiful the last four verses are.

These are the ones who come out of the great tribulation, and they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the lamb...and God will wipe every tear from their eyes.

And after spilling my heart out on the page that morning, I finished my journal entry with "Bring me to the foot of the cross." He did. He brought me to recognition, confession, mercy, and redemption. And He continues to do so every single day.

That night, I must have finally broken down from the cheeriness I'd had in the beginning of the week because I wrote the lyrics that have become a sort of motto for me over the past couple months.

You must think I'm strong to give me what I'm going through.
'cause I'm broken down to nothing, but I'm still holding onto the One Thing.

And as I sat in pain that night and the days that came soon afterwards, I continued to hold onto Him as He continued to answer my prayer so wonderfully. He stayed close. Constantly, clearly, fervently, He stayed close. And I was calm.

I was very blunt on Friday morning. As in, so blunt that I would be downright embarrassed to tell you all what I wrote. As in, it would damage a couple of my friendships if I told you all what I wrote. But that's something I've learned recently. God doesn't need me to sugarcoat what I write. He doesn't need me to sugarcoat my life. He's God. He knows what I'm thinking and feeling anyway, so I might as well be honest and say, "Hey God. I love ______, but they're driving me so insane right now that I may or may not want to throw something at them." That was one of the first times I can ever remember not being afraid to share my feelings with Him. Yes, I was ashamed because my thoughts and feelings were shameful. But I did not hide back what I felt because of that shame. God had finally shown me that it was okay and good to pour my heart out, pour my sins out, and seek help and forgiveness. I did. From then on, I still do. And it is such a relief to know and believe that I can be honest with God and He will continue to love me unconditionally.

I've realized something over the past couple months. When I set aside my pride, when I set aside my fear, when I set aside my inhibitions, my shame, my jealousy, my inability to trust, my doubts...suddenly, my ears are open to so much more. I can't even explain how much my life has changed since I realized this. Since I offered up that prayer and God immediately answered with words and understanding that have kept me confident in Him. I still believe, constantly and fully, because I feel now that He is faithful--He is worth believing in. My trust, so broken and limited, has been fulfilled in the One who will never, ever break it. I could go on and on about what this change has done to me, but I'll refrain now. In the end, I have renewed my relationship with God as He stays close to me and I stay close to Him--thanking Him so much for giving me something to hold onto. I am still hurting all the time, but my hope is so undeniable now. No matter how broken I feel, I am always okay.

I don't know what this means to you. I don't know what you can gain from this post. I don't know if it's already a super duh and you already have this incredible relationship with God and you don't need to renew it like I have with mine. But I hope it means something to you, because it changed my life completely, and I don't want to ever go back.

Sometimes, we just need to quiet our own voices and listen to the constant voice of the One who is always listening.