I Want to Breathe You In [something I wish I was better at]

God must get a real kick out of the days I wake up and think I can take over the entire world with my own bare hands.

I hop out of bed like the rabid bunny my mind quickly transforms into and instantly begin my plotting. I always figure that my first step is to invent a teleportation device so that I don't have to waste any time walking or fighting my way through the TSA.

Here, my plans start to fail. First, I realize that I have no idea how to make a teleportation device.

No problem. I'll simply utilize the trusty minions that I have in each city of the world.

But here I run across another problem: I only speak English and three year's worth of French. How will we communicate?

By this point, I'm desperate for success, so I begin to change my plans in a hopefully attempt to get somewhere. Now, my schemes have evolved to creating a universal language so that ignorance in communication never gets in my way. I've done public speaking for three years, so it must be simple enough.

It's not.

And here, I go into panic. It's only 9:07 AM, and I've already exhausted all my bright and resourceful ideas without success. Whatever will I do with all this pep that gives me the appearance of a humanoid Energizer Bunny?

My common conclusion is to sit down and speed through school and speech and debate work until I have worn myself out and am too exhausted read another forsaken word of G.A. Henty.

All the while, I figure God must be giggling. His adoring daughter wakes up with a spurt of motivation every month or so and suddenly thinks she doesn't need Him or anything else He's created to take over His world.

It really is pretty funny if you think about it. And all too accurate.

To get to the answer, there is one thing that I really wish I was better at, more than most: relying on God. Now by this, I do not mean the cliched "God is your Rock, man, so just trust and it'll all work out." I mean, that's true. But a heck of a lot easier said than done. And I think it really misses the point of "letting go and letting God."

For a lot of people, it's a whole lot more than just releasing control. For me, at least, it's like I try to be God. I feel the responsibility to help as much as I can, so I do as much as I possibly can to make everything work. The everlasting problem is...I don't know how everything is supposed to work, and frankly, I mess up the plans enough on my own.

It's not that I ever make a conscious effort to be God. It's more like an effort to be invincible. To have the strength, stamina, love, and perfection that God has. Yet every time I realize that I am not capable of creating a teleportation device, my plans and soul come crashing down, and my motivation starts to drain.

The great thing is...God never asked me to be Him. Which is a really good thing because, as I seem to realize with life-halting power every time I go in a little over my head, there really isn't any way I could ever measure up to a tenth of God.

So that's part one. I need to stop trying to be God. But there's a part two. And that's trying to emulate God.

While we are never commanded to be God, we are called to be like Christ. We are called to pick up our crosses and follow Him. We are called to perfect as He is perfect.

This can seem so contradictory to everything I've already said, but there is such an important distinction to make. I have the terrible habit of trying to be perfect, and when I can't manage that, I just don't try at all. But this so clearly contradicts the spirit of the Christian life: endurance, struggles, healing, and more endurance. What can I say for myself if I push myself too far, and then give up?

I see the Christian life as one of sanctification. Constantly becoming more like Christ while claiming the title of His bride. It's a painful life at times. But comparatively? Compared to trying to be God? Compared to just giving up? It is the most beautiful, rewarding lifestyle that anyone could ever ask for. And it's one that His children are granted freely and with love.

Yes. I do wish I was better at letting go and letting God. Letting Him come into my life and transform me, day by day, until the day I fall to my knees in front of Him. That will be a beautiful day--not because of what I have done, not because of my attempts, not because of my complacency, but because of His process of perfection.

It is the beautiful relief that comes when I stop trying to breathe the air I create, when I stop gasping on the air of the world, and I breathe Him in.