Hope in a Song

I've thought about it for a while, and that's how I best describe my past year. It has been a song. A very long one, of course, and rather intricate, but a painstaking weaving of harmonies, words, themes, and tunes that string together in a heartfelt symphony. Like any good song, it has its rising and falling of pitches, lyric development, and loud guitar solos that are offset by soothing piano tones. Heartbreaking at times, but always tying together for the sole purpose of creating the melody that is my life.

That's what all of our lives are, aren't they? More than ever over the past few months, I have been learning to step back, take a deep breath, and say, "God, You know what You're doing, and I don't. Take over and don't let me get in Your way." It's so easy to think that we know better than God and try to intrude on His plans as if we are of some superiority to Him. While in reality, compared to His perfect will, we are the literal personification of "birdbrains."

God has become my musician this year. Of course, He always has been, but now more than ever, I'm realizing it, and I'm thriving in His beautiful song. I could detail out the past twelve months since last time I ate turkey and mashed potatoes, but honestly, I don't think it would help, because nothing much I could say right now could really capture the genuine joy I have in my heart. I've hurt this year. A lot. More than I think I can say for the past thirteen years of my life. But I've learned, I've grown, I've smiled, and I've flourished all the same.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this year, God taught me to be content. And contentment is the foundation for thanksgiving. It is so easy to become malcontent, sometimes without even realizing it. But it's not easy to switch back and for between it. I've always seen contentment and happiness as two separate entities. Happiness is a feeling of the mind, driven by emotion and confirmed by circumstance, but one that never gets far because it isn't solidified with a heartfelt knowledge. It's funny how knowledge seems to come from the heart while various feelings come from the mind, but that seems to be the best way to describe it. And contentment is both because the way I see it, it's not just a feeling. It's a state of being.

There is so much I'm thankful for this year. The people God has placed in my life and the few special ones that I call my best friends. The family that I have walked with through the difficult experiences we've endured over our time, holding and loving them every step of the way. My school and other bits of knowledge I've gained and the way He's opened my eyes to see behind head knowledge, into understanding and wisdom. The lessons I have learned through observation and experience, albeit painful at times. The way I've learned to smile all the time because beyond my suffering, I am a joyful, alive, content person, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

God has shown me that I am a human being who was placed on this earth for a purpose, and I'm going to live it out whether or not anyone else likes it. I hope it can come pleasantly most of the time, but who am I to stray from my path of reason if I don't like it? I am thankful that I've got a life to fulfill for my Savior, and even if it meant dying the same death He did, I would do it. I am thankful that my heart, my soul, and my life are not my own, but His. I can never express how grateful I am that I live in His fire.

I'm grateful for the moments I get when my little brother when he asks me a question, I get to explain something, and I see the lightbulb click in his head. For the debate rounds with my brother when we look at each other with that knowing grin and set to work, pens and papers flying as we formulate some convoluted argument. For the car rides with my mom where she teases me incessantly, and always manages to make me smile no matter how bad my mood is. For the hours I have with my dad, like last night, where he links his arm around mine and we go out together, talking and learning about each other.

I praise God for the two and a half years I've spent with my forensics club and the family I've formulated year. For the two and a half years I've spent with my online school and the highly disturbing family I've created there, five kids, two sisters, two brothers, and who-knows-how-many-cousins. For my three best friends and the Skype calls, phone conversations, three hour long chats, pictures, laughs, tears, and words that have passed between us, always asking for more. For my church family, with people of every age beside my own, who I have looked at and learned from, hoping to have the same life and love story that some of the older ladies do.

I'm thankful that I fall short at the glory of God and was blessed enough to learn that early on in life so I could spend all of my years devoted to Him, working for Him, loving Him, and always running back into his arms when I'm foolish enough to run away. Thankful that He never leaves me, no matter what I do and no matter how many times He reminds me not to. That He adores me and if He wanted me to change, He would do it for me.

I'm thankful for you because you are a person, whether I know you or not. I love you, and there's no doubt about it. As I've said before, if you're reading this, you'd better believe I'll fight until I die so that you can live because you're a life that I want to see shine with the colors I know you have.

Life is such a beautiful thing when you turn away from the years of regrets, hatred, mistakes, and heartbreaking moments. When you escape from the bonds of temporary happiness and let life flow into you, body and soul, with that state of contentment I have found this year. We'd shed less tears without the pain, and I'm not saying it's easy. But it's part of our life, learning mechanisms, and growth that we would absolutely not be more joyful without. Pain is our chance to stand up to life and say, "You can't bring me down." I hope you can find the same strength, because I know it dwells within you.

My face is turned up at the sky today because all I am, I owe it to God. All the smiles, I owe them to God. All the people, the joy, the necessities, the extras, the laughs, the words, the touches, the pain, the hate, the wondering, the confusion, the work, and the love goes right back to Him when I put Him first and remember that I wouldn't be anywhere without His artistic hands.

I am thankful for the melody He has played in my life, and I'll sing His song forever.